Expired Goods Festival - Uncyclopedia

Expired Goods Festival - Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

“The Festival is a family-orientated celebration and begins on the morning of the appointed Easter day. Here is the sequence of events that should be followed to properly take part in the festival:

The family members of a household shall wait for a signal from the Matriarch of the homestead to begin the Search for the Festival King. The signal shall be a sort of can’t-be-bothered-with-the-lot-of-you wave of the hands. The Matriarch herself can take part in the Search, but it more proper that she perform her assigned role during the festival.
Each member of the family so shooed away then searches the home’s food cupboards for nominations for the title of King of the Festival.
Each nominee found is to be handed to the Matriarch for Judging. Eventually, the Matriarch shall call a halt to the Search, once a suitable number of nominees has been collected.
The Matriarch shall then perform the ritual of the Judging. The oldest packet or can of goods is to be declared the King of the Festival. Where two or more nominees have the same expiry date on them, the item with the rustiest, scuffed or faded packaging shall be deemed the King.
The King shall then be Uncrowned by the Matriarch, or by the family member who found the King, by which is meant that the contents of the King shall be opened to the air so that the King may breath. A ceremonial bowl may be used for this part of the festival, but the bowl should be destroyed thereafter.
Finally, each and every member of the home shall then smell the Uncrowned King and in so doing honour the strength of the King’s endurance in the kitchen of the Matriarch. Gagging on the King is not permitted and is to be considered a dishonour to the King.”